Sitting Shiva in a Liberal Jewish context.

"Sitting" shiva refers to the act of sitting on low stools during times of mourning. As mentioned in the Book of Job, upon mourning, Job's friends "sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights". Local customs also vary: one or more evening prayers are conducted at the home of the nearest relatives, bringing food to the bereaved, quiet conversations with the bereaved, covering mirrors, refraining from work, and tearing or cutting an item of clothing.

I recently had occasion to observe the shiva for my dear sister Jenny, who passed away after a long illness in New Zealand. I was able to speak to her in her last days, thanks to our modern means of communication on Signal, and to send her words of comfort adapted from the Hashkivenu prayer and Psalm 23, a favourite for times of great sorrow. Her daughter could hold the phone so she could hear them.

As my family here in Europe contemplated what to do – we are all climate activists – we decided not to damage the ozone over the Pacific further by making the very long journey: 27 hours door to door it was, in the days when we travelled. But with daily contact with her children, and grandchildren via email and Signal, we felt at least connected at times, even though there is currently a 12-hour time difference.

My friends here in Basel were wonderful: sending messages of concern and comfort, and I received flowers and a signed card from my co-housing group. Rabbi Avigail kept in touch also from afar, checking in with quiet questions and helping me through difficult hours.

The festival of Purim happened to be during the shiva week, so I apologised to the committee and stayed away, choosing rather to spend shabbat with my daughter and family in Urdorf. A friend had read about Jewish mourning customs and offered to cut the edge of my shirt, which felt like the right thing to do. I was not concerned with my appearance, not concerned with material things, needing to pray for my sister and our family as we faced the second loss in my generation, but my first sister to pass away.

Since the house in Orewa was full of the family from New Zealand, my Canadian sister and husband stayed elsewhere, and it was difficult to find a time to talk. It had to be after the funeral in the end, and as she sat surrounded by ferns and other native flowers and hibiscus shrubs, we could cry and laugh together over the miles separating us. My daughter had recorded a song for Jenny, at her request before she died, and my niece and nephew put together a wonderful montage of photos from significant points in the life of my sister. As we look back on the shiva week, I am grateful for the comfort of our prayers of consolation, for our simple mourning customs, and for modern technology which enabled us to be with the family in spirit at times when we most needed to be.

Everyone needs time to mourn their loved ones: the shiva 7 days, when normal work and activities are quite impossible, then the mourning period of 30 days, then remembering them at their Yahrzeit dates are all significant moment in the stages of grief. The rabbis knew this only too well, and which as Liberal Jews we can tap into, in ways which seem to be most comforting and indeed possible in the 21st century.

Chava Fleming (chava@migwan.ch)